On being a working mom
This Mother's Day was a day of reflection on my third year of being a working mom.
I am a woman working in the male-dominated field of engineering. Sexism exists – subtle and outright. I’ve already started sharing some of the crazy things people have said to me based on my gender in my (very first!) podcast ep with my BFF last week and don’t worry, there’s (unfortunately?) much more where that came from! I hate to say it, but the negative things people say tend to not leave your mind – especially the instances where you are told that you are not enough or that you do not belong. So… what do we do? Often times we overcompensate to ensure that people know that we DO belong.
I have a three-year-old child that I adore and cannot get enough of, and I love my job, in spite of the fact that it comes with extremely long hours. I’ve gotten more comfortable showing how much I value my family over my job. And yes, you read that right: I love my family more than my job. That statement in itself is bold and can cause people to make unwanted decisions for my career on my behalf. I’ve seen it happen before and have gone to bat for a female coworker when our boss wanted to remove her as lead on a multi-year project because she expressed an interest in having kids at some point (and for the record, he wanted to make the lead a male colleague with two young kids 🤔). You cannot make this stuff up!
Okay, so back to how I show how much I value my family over my job. I not only make bold statements like the above, but I also openly set hard and fast boundaries that prioritize time with my family during the week and on weekends. I teach undergraduates at a pretty unique institution where they have constant access to their instructors via Microsoft Teams - or maybe that’s a thing now? Def was not a thing when I was in school 👵 That said, I let them know on our first day of classes (and remind them regularly) that (1) I leave the office by 4pm to get home for post-daycare family hangs and I’m not looking at a work-related thing until my child is in bed around 7pm and (2) there’s a solid chance I’ll ghost them on weekends in order to remain present with my family. I also share this sentiment with my colleagues (and of course they see it in my interactions with our students).
I recognize that this boldness may be a benefit of my being fifteen years into my career. But even still, I’ve got to admit it weighs on me - the idea that maybe some colleagues at some point won’t see me as a person that can handle the demands of both the job and family and maybe they’ll start making decisions on my behalf like they did for my female coworker years ago.
I actively try to not let this stop me from outwardly prioritizing time with my child and instead trust that my work alone proves my competence, because good Lord if we do not break this cycle, it’ll just be like this for every generation after us! It’s hard though. It would be so easy to put off getting home and instead do one last thing at work to show my commitment. Or I could stay just a little bit longer so people around me see that I’m putting in the hours. And if I’m honest, I may have done that a bit when I first became a mom and even when I first started this job one year ago… but your girl is DONE.
If I am in a job where my colleagues judge or do not respect the boundaries I’ve set so that I can spend my personal time where I want to, I don’t want that job. I’ve got plenty of options. I’m qualified. I work hard during the hours that I’m there. And I’m only that good because I ensure I get the quality time I need and want with my family. I adore my child (and spouse and puppy) and I will choose my them over my job without hesitation. AND I enjoy working, but only in a place that gets it. If a particular workplace doesn’t, I’ll find one that does. Tell me I can’t be the best mom to my child and also be one of your best engineers - I’ll show you how wrong you are, one boundary at a time.
